i haven't been on this xanga thing in a really long time. None of my friends use it anymore, it's all about myspace now. I kinda like it like this. writing so others can read it but no one actually reads it. something about it makes it a little bit more personal.
i still dont understand why i rather write in this thing then in just a journal or something.. it makes more sense to poor your heart out on a book that probably wont be read by some one that shouldn't read it. but right now typing just seems faster, and easier... and in a sick way.. i want people to know what's wrong with me. maybe then they will undersand me a little better.
i am probably the most complicated person that i know. maybe because i build up too much a emotion and my brain can't process at it all at once... it's something like a really old computer, once you start clicking on things it sort of freezes on you. I freeze, much rather... become numb to what's going on around me. Summer is almost over, and i'm pretty scared. school- isn't a place where i want to be... but i know that this is my last year and i'm counting down the days until i dont have to go back there. so much has happened there.. and i'm really intimidated.
i a person that lives in fear, it's my double standered....most of the time i'm pretty bold. but at the moment i'm just tired of all this crap.
maybe it's me, maybe it's the descions i make about the i want to live my life that scares me. i'm too much like my father, and that makes me angry, i dont want to make the same mistakes he has/is making. there is so much apprehension on my behalf when it comes to him. he's a big topic in my life... not because i want him to be, he just is.
maybe the reason why im so fearful is because i'm soo over protected by the people that surround me. maybe it has nothing to do with me but everything to do with the way i'm treated by my family. i feel like the family pet, the prized possesion that can't, for any reason, FEEL.... it's so frustrating because when i start to feel emotion, they tell me that i'm acting out and i'm depressed, but when i dont show any emotion and when i withhold everything... again i'm depressed because i dont know how to express myself.
i makes me
frustrated
confused........
what do people want from me.??
what i should be asking.... what do i want FROM MYSELF? honestly i dont know the answer to that question. I dont know what i want... in anything that involves me and my life.
that makes me frustrated.... and in a way hopeless because i want so badly to feel like i'm doing something WORTH doing.....
alkjfalsdjfalskjdflkjasdlfka;sdjfwoeuroewaiurpsldfnclscnxjzcvnefs..... that's just how i feel at the moment.
madeLIN. | 
